The experts tell us it’s the universe ‘effing’ with our world today. But we’re going to let you in on ‘The Secret’…a very dirty one.

It’s the hormones.

That’s right. Your morning caffe latte routine has turned you into a genetically modified science experiment. That ‘latte’ is a hormone cocktail, laced with special antibiotics and high levels of over-pimped-out-pituitary-gland growth hormone to over-generate a cow’s milk production. Or to put in another way, we’re drinking ‘The Pill.’

So What does drinking all those hormones do to the female body? For starters, our boobs are bigger, our skin is more acne-prone, our butts are way more J-lo and our young girls are becoming frighteningly Very Sexy by age 10.

Speaking of very sexy, maybe you’ve seen the latest ‘Got Milk’ TV commercial? The $60 Million ad campaign flaunts a sultry Salma Hayek jonesing for her bovine fix (and we ain’t talking Botox). Though we heart the hormonal ‘pms-meets-walk-of-shame’ theme, replete with broken stiletto, bed-head bouffant and sex-smudged eyes — we are tossing our cookies all over this milk campaign!

Shame on you Ms. Hayek. You may be going crazy for milk, but it’s the milk that’s making you crazy.

Harvard Researcher Ganmaa Davaasambuu warns: “Among the routes of human exposure to estrogens, we are mostly concerned about cow’s milk, which contains considerable amounts of female sex hormones.” Such estrogens are up to 100,000 times more potent than their environmental counterparts, like those in pesticides. Davaasambuu implicates all cow products including butter, meat, milk, and cheese as causing the high rate of hormone-dependent cancers, most staggeringly breast cancer.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

But it’s not just the women who should be scared. According to beverage digest, the average American — this includes men — consumed nearly 21 gallons of milk in 2010. So? Well, when men consume high fat diets, including an excess of cow products (think: The Palm) they are not only compromising their fertility, they’re also contaminating their sacred semen.

So next time you think about swallowing…just visualize having sex with a cow and we guarantee you’ll spit it out.

Umm, the milk that is.

Authors:
Princess Wears Prada aka @AndoniaPR
Zanotti A-Broad aka @Eyeppl

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What does touch mean to you today…as an adult?

Before you get excited that this post is going — ahem, south — relax! We are only here to protest the hijacking of the word ‘TOUCH’ by none other than Apple (just google ‘touch’ and behold!). And it’s not just the word, but the sense itself. Even as we write this, the world is collectively licking its lips in anticipation of iphone5 and ipad3. Would we be this excited if these two devices were not touchscreen?

Are we so touchscreen-addicted that we’re dangerously falling out of touch with, well, touch?

Fact: the touchscreen phenomenon is diminishing our ability to appreciate the value of human touch. Human-to-machine interaction is so invasive, so pervasive, we must now retrain ourselves to appreciate human interaction. Crazy. More frighteningly, have we unknowingly rewired our brain with robotic expression to replace human emotion?

Every study suggests that our ‘social’ lives are being denied the human experience. Yet our investment and commitment seem to follow that of the virtual variety. This is not a case against social media, online dating or any other technological interaction. However, intimate (touch) relationships MUST be distinguished from and take precedence over strategic (social/virtual) ones.

Can you really get close to someone without getting close?

Virtual relationships are on-demand, flippant and can easily break down at even a hint of disenchantment. So why do we keep comin’ back for more?

According to The New York TImes’ Matt Richtel:

“When you check your information, when you get a buzz in your pocket, when you get a ring — you get what they call a dopamine squirt. You get a little rush of adrenaline,” he says. “Well, guess what happens in its absence? You feel bored. You’re conditioned by a neurological response: ‘Check me check me check me check me.’ ”

How much longer will your touchscreen satisfy you?

Hmm. Maybe it’s time to reclaim your ‘touch.’

As the erudite Plato once mused: “Every heart sings a song, incomplete, until another heart whispers back. Those who wish to sing always find a song. At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.”

(Er, especially if they’re on Twitter).

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Literally!

That’s right. Instead of racking up hourly fees to your local shrink and popping Xanax at a Tic-Tacs’s pace, might we suggest a visit instead to your neighborhood quantum physicist.

Maybe we’ve been hanging out in M.I.T.’s Voltage Cafe too much lately, but today we are asking the question: Have we become so geomagnetically-sensitive that we are reacting to even the slightest stimuli?

Researchers tell us yes!

The earth’s magnetic field itself is a fascinating beast. Tame as many think it is, the magnetism of our planet is remarkably capricious. Fluctuations in magnetism are shedding light on why geological phenomena like earthquakes, tsunamis and hurricanes are detected by animals well in advance of people. But geomagnetic activity is also directly related to humans, i.e. our mental activity. Research suggests heightened geomagnetic activity correlates with violent crime, depression, hallucinations, sleep deprivation, psychokinesis and poltergeist phenomena – basically, all kinds of crazy shit.

Think about it.

From earthquakes to market crashes, the past few weeks have doled out enough lunacy to give even Gadhafi pause (er, wherever he is). In a world where everything is spinning out of control – From London lootings, to Libyan shootings… from GovPerry’s stem-cell-quackery to Buffett’s plenipotentiary… from Rawsome milk raids to radioactive spinach… from meteor showers to Beltway quakes… from markets tumbling to earth’s core grumbling… (did we forget to mention the sky is falling and the anchovies aren’t mating)… are we, ourselves, responsible for making an already whacky world even whackier?

Apparently, yes.

The Law of attraction states we are all electromagnetic beings with frequencies at a level of thought. So, basically we’re like big tacky refrigerator magnets, and the way we vibrate affects what happens. Our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings create vibratory levels that shape our world. But when the earth’s magnetic field starts f*king with your frequency, can you really trust those thoughts and feelings? Add a rabid 24/7 news media frenzy filter and we can safely say, not!

First the markets go haywire. Then the planet. Then the people. Or, is it the other way around? It’s enough to bring out the Crazies (and that’s just the media).

Take the markets. CNBC reporters seemed stunned that investors were reacting to the teeniest tidbits of news and gossip, causing unprecedented volatility. Luckily for investors, this whip-saw shift between good and bad news actually began to feel normal, creating some false stability. But, should we be making rash decisions— in money, life or love—by the mere trickling of unvetted news or gossipy tweets to the point where we’ve abandoned rationality?

Now who’s crazy!

Apparently everyone. According to Dr. Amit Goswami, Ph.D, @quantumactivist on Twitter, a sudden change of environment requires an equally sudden evolutionary jump in the species. Environmental discomfort — not unlike we’ve been experiencing — and geomagnetic fields influence our psychological mood contributing to the aggravation of psychological symptoms like depression, sleep disturbances, anxiety, aggressiveness etc., a phenomenon scientists track via something called The International Geomagnetic Index.

Now take Hurricane Irene. Yesterday you could actually sense, minute-by-minute, the shift from over-hyped weather coverage to all-out media madness. From the somber tone of the President to the tweeted urgency of the White House press corps to “Get the Hell off The Beach” from jersey’s Gov, poor Irene was amped from a healthy hurricane to a slow-motion scene from The Day After Tomorrow.

So next time the financial markets contort into a Cirque de Soleil stunt, forget the Nikkei Index and remember the Geomagnetic Index. Or the next time your world is whipped into hysteria, ponder these silkily sage words from Dr. Goswami: “FLOW IS WHEN THE DANCE DANCES YOU.”

Then go dancing.

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Not unlike dating and mating in the real world, it is necessary to make your virtual brand equally attractive to your online playmates (errrr… not of the bunny variety). Social media and social lives are now so inextricably linked, you have to ask yourself: Is there even a difference? Weinergate aside, the lines between sex drives and hard drives have never been more blurred. Wield the right mix: a little bit o’ flash, sexy algorithms, some back-end code and Google lubricant, and watch your performance tickle your tribes.

According to the social titans over at Hubspot, we must leverage all the noise out there to “get found” and be desired by more prospective suitors. But how?

My once super-cool small biz website—which edutains a global community of medical influencers in 85 countries— has now fallen frumpy, and dare I say, desperate. Can you say mojo makeover? My .com can barely garner a blind date let alone get hit on by a bevy of fresh meat. Somewhere between Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter, I got out-teched. It’s time to reposition it in the little blackbook of cyberspace, where the only way to seduce new leads is to play games (sigh). To get more site traffic, more followers and stronger SEO, I apparently must bake more flirty cupcakes, tweet aphrodisiacs and blow thousands of virtual kisses if I hope to get snagged.

So with the help of Hubspot, here are 10 Tips (my interpretation) on how to get your site laid:

1. Leverage Those Curves: Creating content is kinda like padding your bra: you need to draw attention but support the interest beyond the fluff to keep ‘em hooked…so pad your site with enough titillating content to fill Barbie’s bra

2. Blog Your Booty Off: Create and incorporate a blog that teases and tempts

3. Don’t Play Mind Games: Your suitors cannot read your mind so keep it simple, be upfront or be alone

4. Play ROC Hard: (Relax, that’s ‘Return On Content’) Stay abreast of what’s working and what’s not with your audience

5. Pimp It Out: Use strong (not graphic) imagery and video to enhance your message penetration

6. Slow Hand: Make sure your site is free of commitment issues and register your domain for the long haul

7. MOZ Rank: If you don’t know what this means, not only are you not ‘cool’ enough, but worse: they’re just not that into you

8. Un-Fatal Attraction: Utilize linking optimization whenever possible to ensure a mutual attraction

9. Feed Them: Don’t let 9 1/2 weeks lapse between communication: Text, blog, tweet… Whatever it takes

10. Don’t Overanalyze: But do check to see how you stack up against your competitors (you know, the ones getting all the action)

HubSpot’s Website Grader gave me a “C” and that unfortunately ain’t a cup size. I’ll improve, I promise. I’m committed. I’m in it to win it. I want to be found. I do!! Who knows… Maybe if I do all these things, I just may even snag that soulmate.

Shout-out to HubSpot for helping me transform my small biz brand on the Internet.

For more information and to find out how you stack up, check out: www.hubspot.com

Look at the women who managed to bring down the aforementioned panthers – a maid/wannabe-prostitute, an under-aged dancer/hooker and an intern with an agenda beyond licking stamps. It’s good to know that the World is lacking in real despair and destitution so that the media can cover such lascivious and ludicrous drama. Should we break these guys’ balls for being sexual predators in disguise or are they mere porn-puppets?

According to the law, there is a significant distinction between being a “seducer” and a “rapist”. Recent reports in Massachusetts illustrate that there are about 11,000 sexual offenders registered in the state. The number of registered offenders barely touches the number of those actually convicted of sex crimes.

9 years ago today, a dear friend of mine, Ally Zapp, had her life stolen by a sexual predator. The killer, a convicted sexual offender who worked at a Burger King, followed her into the restaurant’s bathroom and tried to steal her wallet. My headstrong friend protested and this Paul Leahy stabbed her to death. That same year, the U.S. Department of Justice noted that 68% of released non-sex offenders were later rearrested for crimes that included sex offenses. So do all criminal roads lead to sex crimes?

It’s hard enough for we single girls to maneuver the dating jungle without having to worry about who’s a predator versus who’s a prospect… How do we know who are good guys? If it’s not even safe to use a public restroom, how can we feel safe walking into someone’s apartment or hotel room? Are we just making ourselves easy prey?

I recently went on a date with an über-successful Tech God. His invitation made me teeter on my always-balanced stilettos. It was a near-fantasy date: chic resto, roofy-free Rioja, chemistry-charged convo interrupted by sweet sultry kisses… And then, he goes for the kill, leaning into my ear, he begins to whisper, “Mmmmm… You’re almost perfect… But, you’re… kinda scary. You’re like a guy with balls.”

Moment killed.

Lift stiletto, insert in scrotum.

What?! How dare a man tell me that I have balls! I was sooo insulted. Then again, I was flattered. I’m an intelligently strong, company-running, globetrotting, couture-wearing babe. Maybe, I had grown balls, protecting myself. After Ally’s murder I erected an impenetrable invisible forcefield around my petite self. This led me to think, how can any guy see through to my sweet and demure girl-next-door persona, when I’m accessorizing like the Knights Templar?

If you let down your guard with powerful men, they think you’re easy, like Berlusconi’s Bunga Bunga girls, assigning you a shelf-life of a sashimi boat at Nobu. However, if you play it cautiously strong, letting your protective coating stick long enough to vet the prospect, you’re seen as a B-I-T-C-H. Deduction: Buy another pair of Manolos and hold out for that man with x-ray vision, who can not only see through your forcefield, but can shatter it.

To My Dear Ally, if only you’d taken my advice and worn stilettos instead of flipflops… You and I both know where that stiletto would have ended up.

This post was dedicated to Alexandra Nicole Zapp, who was murdered by a sex offender on July 18, 2002. The ALLY Foundation was established in her memory, dedicated to reforming a system that lets sex offenders slip through the cracks.

For more information, please visit theallyfoundation.org

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Give me All I long for,
In all my battles, Fight as my comrade” (1)

Sappho, an ancient Greek poet from sometime between 630 BC and 612 BC, possessed a unique freedom to express her thoughts and cares and live as she wanted to. It’s only in the last hundred or so years that women of Western cultures could ‘boast’ that kind of freedom.

In a masculine world in which females are generally presented as suffering and often guilty victims of tragedy and emotion, it is refreshing (and empowering!) to have Hillary Clinton standing for us now.

Strong women are the definition of humanity – - they have SENSE and sensuality. Yes, I may be a bitch and a tease, but as Sheryl Crow once professed, a goddess on my knees.

Take Wonder Woman, the sexy comic book heroine whose adventures were seen by some academics and “professionals” as harmful or deceptive… This Wonder-babe not only helped police the world against evil super powers, but she did so wearing high heels AND baring her breasts. Even Superman let her take control (cuz he wore tights). Ironically, she triumphed not with fists or firepower, but with love and emotion. Sounds like America could use a dose of oestrogen.

I can understand why you are so confused…
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover,
I’m a child, I’m a mother,
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint…
I’m your Hell, I’m your dream…
So take me as I am
this may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man (2)

Today’s close race between Hillary and Obama, reveals images and patterns of an earlier era in America – and the media is the ringleader.

Recall Abigail Adams, the wife of the 2nd President of the United States and the mother of the sixth, and First Lady of the United States. An intellectually open-minded woman for her day, Abigail influenced, albeit indirectly, the government’s ideas on women’s rights. Had she been at the table (with the founding boyz), she would have edited this line in The Declaration of Independence as follows:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all PEOPLE are created equal…”

Unfortunately, it took almost 150 more years before women’s rights were recognized – slightly – with the passage of the 19th Ammendment in 1920. You remember Susan, the chic that was forbidden to learn long division because of her gender. Well, she and her fellow feministas roadtripped the good ‘ole U S of A, attempting to persuade Society to treat men and women equally.

Yet almost another hundred years from That….when the F—K is this country going to be ready for a women?!?

No, Reverend Wright, “Hillary ain’t never been called a nigger,” but since ancient times, from foot-washing (3) to politics, men and women participated in separate groups, which is far more poisonous to our society. We “the people” should be one group, one Nation – afterall we both have testorone! By the way boyz, did you know a lack of oestrogen can cause a low libido? Nothing Wonder Woman can’t fix!

(1) Adapated from Sappho’s Hymn to Aphrodite
(2) “I’m a Bitch” – Sheryl Crow
(3) Wikipedia: The root of this practice appears to be found in the hospitality customs of ancient civilizations, especially where sandals were the chief footwear. A host would provide water for guests to wash their feet, serve the guests by washing their feet, or even provide a servant to wash the feet of the guests. A typical Eastern host might bow, greet, and kiss his guest, then offer water to wash his feet. Though the wearing of sandals might necessitate washing the feet, the water was also offered as a courtesy even when shoes were worn.

The Middle East is a modern sandstorm.  From the sweeping expanse of desert speckled with architecturally challenging superstructures – - glass, glass, glass and more glass scallop the edge of the reclaimed sea, to the daunting mountain impregnated landscape between the mythical Babylon and the crumbled warzones.  The sky is hugged thickly by dust clouds, parting briefly to expose the skin-searing sun and the sultry secrets of Islam… Surrounded by this exotic world hidden behind the dark drapes of abaya, I peer out from my uncovered eyes and wonder…

Who are we Westerners to determine the appropriateness of Islamic law?

In Arabic, the word “hijab” means a curtain or cover, which originates from a word meaning “to cover, veil or shelter.”  In the Koran, Islam’s holy book, women are asked to draw their clothes around them… so that no harm will come to them.  But when will women’s rights be protected and not covered by the misinterpretations of the Koran?  Specifically in the Koran, it is written: "…say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and adornments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, sons and uncles…”In a massive blow to global women’s rights, Afghan President Hamid Karzai pushed through a law which essentially legalizes marital rape.  But the international community, including the United Nations, NATO and several Western nations have expressed their ‘concern.’ Hireheels agrees with President Obama…”ABHORRENT!”

Whether we like to admit it, The U.S. Constitution is America’s holy book, interpreted and revered by The People.  In order to form a more perfect Union, we have set rules to ensure the freedom of expression… even prayer, the right to vote and, of course, the right to bear arms. We respect that other nations follow different codes and not all global citizens are considered to exist on the same level.  However, when Karzai said that Western concerns about the new law are "inappropriate" and may have been based on "misinterpretations…" Point Taken.

My only question to President Karzai:  How can the legalization of marital rape be misinterpreted?

Hireheelers know politics is dirty business and that President Obama owes a whole lotta peeps in need of a good salt scrub (may i recommend the Caudalie Spa in the Bordeaux region). Mr. Daschle, who makes Joe the Plumber look like the Pope, is just one crony in a long line of Election 2008 creditors awaiting payment. I remain ever curious to see how dynamic duo from Hyde Park gets paid (can’t wait for that story to ‘ayer’). All this while our gal Hillary lugs around her six million dollar debt in her Birkan bag. Indeed, the more I hear about the personal lives of our American Poli-Idols who are expected to lead by example, the more I am reminded of the John Edwards endorsement last spring and what it shouldn’t have meant.

But I digress. I know it’s not productive to rehash old news. Who out there isn’t sick of being called a whiny white woman? But if we were to shut down HireHeels, I would doubtless end up in therapy, and that’s a costlier proposition than ranting in my zanotti stilettos. So you’re stuck with us for a little bit, while we retool the site to create more value for you!

If it doesn’t work out, we will enter the dirt collection business. We’ve got some stored in our closet on one certain political news analyst. We’ll throw it out there one day, when the time is right and watch it bubble up and ‘reGurgitate’ in the 24/7 news cycle.

Enough said.

Yesterday was the first time I risked unveiling myself. Before I left my apartment in the morning, I pinned a bright blue HILLARY button onto the side of my purse, a black epi Louis Vuitton. For a dreary March day in Paris, the colorful button was a welcomed twist – - and the burst of energy much needed… I kept staring at the button while walking down the sidewalk, ordering my café au lait, sitting on the Métro… Would I receive any negative feedback? I was worried.

Upon checkout at the supermarket, the man ringing up my bill was staring. I looked at him quizzically, and he smiled REALLY BIG. Having lived in New York for too many years, I returned a very skeptical expression – why was he being pleasant and friendly?! He pointed at the HILLARY button, gave me two thumbs up and said (in French), “Good luck, she’s great!”

I exchanged an equally big smile, patted the button and responded, “Thank you, WE need her!” Not only had I received very unusually good-hearted support from a working-class stranger in Europe – I was proud as a peacock, at that moment, to be an American in Paris.

Hillary, the WORLD needs you.